lunedì 16 luglio 2007


Today after 5 days of no fighting nor arguments, it blew up. As I have forecasted. Nothing super major, but exhausting anyhow. I can't deal with it anymore. I am not really trying to make it work, I have given up a long time ago. I just can't fake it anymore. And so tomorrow at 4 I'll go and talk to Eileen, J's therapist. She's the one who asked him if I was having an affair, when I didn't have the slightest incline... I will be honest with her, and I will ask her if she herself would settle for a life with no passion or LOVE, meaning desire, lust, fun.... because I truly can't. And I am aware that happiness is fleeting and it might as well be absence of pain, so what should I complain about, right? Gosh, I have everything??? But do I? No, no and again no. And what kind of "everything" are they all talking about? The Today Show had some kind of experts on the other morning, it was about the new 3rd year itch. So now it's about being overstimulated, forgetting the reasons why I got married and being so totally selfish. That's bullshit, it's about growing apart, it's about changing and remaining the same. It's about blaming everyone else for our own shortcomings. The newest thig from J is that he found refuge in food for lack of attention and touch and sex.... WHAT!!!???He started to stuff his face when I still wanted to have sex, and I was still touching him, and giving him massages and basically wanted him. And I still did my job as a wife, even when he was HUGE, with a double herniated disk and couldn't really move too much. Infact Joanie reminded me that I used to complain with her about him being so fat and then, CRAP, got pregnant with V. So I was still performing my wifely duties when I didn't really enjoyed it. And I always tried to make him feel good, even when sex wasn't that good, because I cared about how he felt and about his self-esteem. I am actually looking forward to seeing Eileen tomorrw. Bring it on!!! Moky

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